Unexcused absence

Dear Teacher,
Please excuse Sekai from school on April 16, 2010. We understand that his absence may be marked as unexcused by the registrar, and, as he is very concerned that you will not approve of his absence, he has asked me to write a separate letter asking that you please excuse his absence. (That is, he wants me to ask you not to be upset with him when he returns to school on Monday. As you know, he is very sensitive about how others view him and his actions.)
Thank you,
Ms. Williams
Sekai's Mom

Dear Teacher,
Please excuse me from school on Friday. My mom is taking her Ph.D. I will call her Dr. Mom. I mean, Dr. Ph.D. Mom. So I am going to campus with her and will not come to school. I hope you are not mad at me. It isn't every day that my mom takes her Ph.D.
Signed,
Sekai Williams

Those are the letters that we were supposed to send to school today. We had discussed it for months. I wrote Teacher above because I do not know who Sekai's homeroom teacher would have been this school year. We didn't send the letters anyway. Sekai decided to be absent altogether...and his absence is not excused.

Contemptible, indeed!

Oh, Sekai would be so very happy to know about this! I am thrilled. Ok, holding them in contempt is step one...

From the organization Children's Rights: "Federal Court Holds DC Mayor Fenty in Contempt for Child Welfare Failings; District Must Fully Implement Reforms"

From the Washington Post D.C. Wire blog: "Judge rips Fenty on Child and Family Services leadership"

If he were here

I am in the middle of a tremendous project. Well, I would like to believe that I am past the middle, and near the end. I am working on my dissertation. As Sekai said, "My mother is going to get her PhD in special education and change things for kids like me." That's what I'm working on. I've been congratulated, commended, even had people marvel at how I am able to keep going, to keep dissertating. I don't think people understand that the dissertation is both a means to an end and a distraction for me. It gives me something to do that allows me to feel as if I am taking giant steps forward, steps toward making the difference that Sekai and I often discussed at length, the difference that will make the world a better place for children like him (e.g., children who have disabilities, children who have experienced trauma, children in foster care,etc.). It also gives me something to do that allows me to devote almost all of my mental energy toward thinking about this one thing. I am grateful for both of these aspects of this process.

However, there are times when I have been working, working, working, for hours on end, then I finish, prepare to leave my office or wherever I happen to be working, start heading home...and it comes (c)rushing back that he is not there. Or there are times when I have been working, working, working, for hours on end, and suddenly I think, "Where is Sekai!?" as if my mind has wandered and I have suddenly realized that I am late to pick him up or to call him...and it comes (c)rushing back that he is not here. Sometimes, I cannot help but think that I would not be getting this done if things were different--if he were here--and sometimes that is so deeply painful and upsetting that I almost don't even want to finish.

When these thoughts (c)rushed upon me today, I could not help but wonder what Sekai would say about my progress, if he were here. I imagined (remembered? I must have remembered, because I could almost hear his voice) him asking if I was finished, my explaining that I made progress, his asking if I had not yet "mastered" it (an IEP reference that unfortunately became part of his lexicon, and which he often used when conversations led to discussions of progress), and then his telling me "good job" (another hold over from a life spent in special education, I am sure), and that he would still call me "Dr. Mom. I mean, Dr. PhD Mom" when the time came. And I am sure that he would. If he were here.

I will always love you

Bootsie, I'm watching the BET Honors special. It is a show where people honor other people by singing to them, often by singing their own songs. I remember when we used to sing to each other, with each other. I didn't realize it at the time, but I guess it was a way of honoring each other, the joy we felt being together, the feelings we felt about having been apart and then being back together. Sometimes, I sing to you now. Can you hear me?

Just now, Jennifer Hudson sang to Whitney Houston. Jennifer Hudson was in "Dreamgirls". Remember when we watched part of that at the hotel on your birthday, waiting for the guests to arrive for your birthday slumber party? You always did like musicals. I can't think of how to make you know Whitney, but I'm pretty sure you knew her songs. She sang, "I will always love you." And I thought of you.

(Earlier today, I submitted a policy fellowship application. I completed the application in honor of you, and I pray that I am selected, so I can tell more people about you, and create big changes for the children who are still here. As I was writing my essays, as I was uploading my application, as I clicked the button to submit, I thought of you.)

I was going to post the lyrics here, but the verses are actually quite sad, and a part of me weeps at the thought that that is how you may have felt at times. I assure you, you were not in my way; loving you was my way. Some of the memories are bittersweet indeed, but I search my mind for the happy memories, especially from when you were young, and I hope that you were able to think on them, too. You were what I needed, what I fought all those years for, but I know that you'd been made to feel unneeded while you were away, and I am so very sorry. (I included the word "unneeded" in one of my essays about my calling, which was handed to me by you. You were the first and only person I have ever heard use that word about a person, let alone about themselves.) I can't have all I've dreamed of now, because you're gone. So, I won't post the lyrics to the verses.

But here's the part I want you to know: And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you.
You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.