Worldwide Candle Lighting 2011

Here is information about this year's events for The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting. The Worldwide Candle Lighting occurs every 2nd Sunday in December at 7pm local time, all around the world, so you may want to go ahead and mark your calendar now. *smile*

The Compassionate Friends Remembrance Book

Thank you to all who stood with me, literally and figuratively, on this day, when I felt so strongly the bittersweet paradox of being one of many who gathered to remember children gone too soon and yet one of a few who understand what this means and why we keep speaking about our children who are no longer here. Thank you to those who (thankfully, truly) really do not understand this space that some of us now occupy, but are still willing to help to shine the light, and to speak their names.

Remember
Sekai Ayinde
Amaya
Naim
Catie
Audrey
Katie
Stevie
Jamie
Mattie
Joshie
Oswald
Kibwe Ayinde
Remember...
please feel free to add a comment, post a name, or add a picture of your candle lighting.

18

Poem
by Langston Hughes

I loved my friend.
He went away from me.
There's nothing more to say.
The poem ends
Soft as it began-
I loved my friend.

This was included on the inside of the program for the funeral service for our family friend's son, Kibwe Ayinde, who crossed over on September 29 of this year. Rest in peace, Kib.

I, too, loved (still love) my friend, my son, Sekai Ayinde. Happy 18th birthday, Bootsie. I miss you so much.

Forever, I love you, always.

"In another time"

"I'm a soldier of love. Every day and night. I'm a soldier of love. All the days of my life. I've been torn up inside. Oh, I've been left behind. Oh, so I ride. I have the will to survive. In the Wild Wild West, trying my hardest, doing my best, to stay alive. I am love's soldier."

I saw Sade in concert last night, and they opened with the song "Soldier of Love". I don't know that I ever really processed the lyrics, or maybe I just didn't process how much they really apply to me. "I've been torn up inside. I've been left behind..." Of course, Sekai was also torn up inside, and I know that he felt left behind, too. Sigh. "I'm a soldier of love...I am love's soldier." And God is love. That's what came to me this morning when I was playing the song over and over. "I am love's soldier." And God is love.

As I was watching the incredible show put on by Sade (the band), I found myself marveling at Sade (the woman) and remembering the stories shared when she first became popular in the U.S., stories about her grandmother having to adjust to the idea of what her daughter had done, whom she had married, and her granddaughter's identity/embodiment. (Remember the song "Tar Baby"?) I just kept thinking, wow, and look at you now! If only they had known what you would become, what you could become...

Shortly after that thought, I was brought to rapt attention when I heard Sade say [paraphrase] I know some of you have been feeling down. This song is for you, for those who have been bullied, and made to feel bad.

"You've been down... Their whispers are hailstones in your face. You're so tired of waiting for something to change. They don't know what to do with something so good... One of these days they're gonna fall into their brew and they'll know exactly what they did to you. Darling, I just want you to know your tears won't leave a trace. In another time...in another time...in another place."

When I first heard this song, I thought the part about tears not leaving a trace meant that the person's tears wouldn't be seen or wouldn't be remembered, and so I didn't want to like this song, and kind of stopped listening to it (stopped really listening to it, processing it). But after hearing her introduce the song, and after really listening to it, processing it, now I think it means that the darling isn't crying anymore. And so I also played this song over and over this morning, and sang it over and over in my head all day.

Darling, your tears leave a trace on me, but I am so glad that they don't leave a trace on you anymore. Remembering you today, two years after laying you down to rest in peace.

[I missed the window by one minute. This post was to be dated June 23, 2011. Two years to the date...]

Two

An open letter to Tracy Morgan:

This won't be as articulate as I would like because I am racing against the clock. What clock? 7:19. 7:19. 7:19. I can still hear it: "Time of death, 7:19. We should get the family in here." On June 10, two years ago, those are the words that I heard. My son, my only son, was dead. Why? Because he was bullied. Why? Because he was different. So far as I know, he wasn't a member of the LGBT community (though he liked pink, and had chosen a multicolor-striped quilt for his bed, and I guess the stripes could be deemed reminiscent of a rainbow...does that frighten you?) and he wasn't one of your fans. Still, I think you owe him an apology. Why? Because based on what I have read, you made some pretty grand statements about how bullying isn't a big deal, and that people who are bullied should just fight back, and my son was so wounded by years of bullying (by other children, by adults, by systems and institutions) that he made a decision to not live anymore. So either you don't understand the dynamics and impact of bullying and suicide, or you don't care. Then again, I also read that you threatened to kill your own son if he ever acted in a way that would lead you to suspect that he is gay. I sure hope that your ex-wife and your son took note of that threat. And I tell you what: I'd give anything to have my son alive, gay or otherwise, so it seems to me that either you don't understand the dynamics of death and grief or even parenting, or you don't care. That makes me sad for you. Apologize--or rather, apologize for real--then please stay quiet until you learn and grow, and, if necessary, get whatever help will make you whole. After all, we know that bullies lash out from their own pain and fear.

Rest in peace, my beloved Sekai Ayinde Williams.

Forever, I love you, always, Ma.