"I don't want to grow up..."

"...because I might die." That's what the woman on TLC's What Not to Wear just said. And my spirit screamed at the TV screen, "or you could not grow up and still die. You could die, and not grow up at all." Of course, she has grown up (they just said she is 46 years old), and I'm not really thinking of her dying. That's not the point. The point is... I don't know.

Maybe the point is she made it to 46, and my baby boy didn't make it to 16. I think I may have to turn the channel.

I know. I know. I cannot avoid forever statements that make me want to scream, or cry, or statements that just hurt. But for now, I am doing my very best to do just that very thing. Especially this weekend. Sunday is the 23rd. Two months since I last saw him his body. And on Monday, local children go back to school. A friend included me on a mailing asking whether, if given the choice, I would want to send my child to public schools or homeschool. Um. I would prefer that he simply be alive, and here with me.

But I know, I know. I cannot forever avoid statements that make me deeply, deeply sad. And that's how Sekai felt. Like there was too much that he could not avoid. At least, that's what I think he felt. Sometimes. I think that's why he said he didn't want to grow up. He was worried about what would happen to him if I died. ("My mom is older than she looks", he would say to people who questioned whether I was his sister.) He was worried about having to get a job, about what job he could possibly secure. He was worried about having to move out at age 18. I told him over and over that I fought too long and too hard to get him back in my life, in my home, in my arms for us to even have a conversation about him moving out just yet. I told him he was welcome where I was, wherever I was, always. I told him if he decided to get married, we would figure out the best home for all of us, so they could have their space as a couple...but if he really wanted 13 children, we might have to reconsider the living arrangements. He laughed at that. Then his face fell. Somewhere along the way, he had heard that he would have to leave home at 18. Either "because that's what people do", or, more likely, because that's what happens to children who grow up in foster care. So he didn't want to grow up at all.