21 questions

"Did you say it? 'I love you. I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it but every now and then look around. Drink it in, 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow." 

Meredith Grey
"Grey's Anatomy" S5, Ep24 - "Now Or Never"


I was looking through some old notebooks and found that quote. For years, I've been carrying journals with me, but in a weird phenomenon that I cannot explain, my journals and notebooks that contained so much of me and my experience as Sekai was getting sicker and after he left, have all gone missing. Every. Single. One. A friend suggested that maybe that was a sign that I'm not supposed to tell those stories, I'm not to say anything about what happened or how it happened or what happened because of what happened. A sign? Perhaps. But I'm not taking that as a sign to stop, no, I'm taking it as a sign that I need to push through the obstacles and roadblocks and deterrents to "tell them" just as I have always done or at least tried to do when it comes to Sekai. So now I carry these small black journals with me most of the time and try to write out my thoughts and feelings and ideas as they come, in an effort to just keep writing - whatever that means, whenever it is, however it happens. In keeping with that, I also journal on my e-reader, take notes on my smartphone, flag my sent emails and save outgoing text messages when my own prose catches me up like when I'm maybe poring out my heart to a friend, and pen down (badoompoom: "pen" down - get it?) words on notepads, scratch paper, or anything else that will let me record the words in my head before they go missing as well. Unfortunately, that means my writing, my work, is kind of here, there, and everywhere. That's one reason why I lost my way with blogging about life after Sekai. But I am still writing. About Sekai. About me. About what it means to live like this. So many insights. So many suggestions. So many questions. So, I was looking through some old notebooks and found that quote…