A new take on visiting the cemetery

Yesterday, I re-set Sekai's birthday flowers and added a really nice bow. It was hard for me to go to the store to get the things that I needed. I would just get all flustered. And then I went two or three times and the floral arrangement specialist wasn't there, so I had to keep going back. Yesterday I was finally able to talk to her about how to reset the flowers. And while we were talking, Diana Ross' "Missing You" started playing overhead. I was flummoxed for sure, and had to fight back the tears. But then I thought, ok, maybe now she understands how hard this is for me. And now I'm thinking, hmmm, maybe that wasn't a coincidence.


Sekai's site is covered in straw again. Others who were laid to rest after June have grass. But his site seems to be settling still, so maybe they added more dirt, and therefore more grass seed, and therefore more straw. When we were trying to pick a site, I kept saying I didn't want to be one of those people who comes to the cemetery all the time. It took me weeks to even be able to go back after the service. I think I didn't want to go for the same reason that I didn't even get close to the site on the day he was laid down: I didn't want to be unable to leave the graveside. But now when I go, I feel better. One of the reasons I'm no longer sure about relocating is because his site is here. I'm not sure what it is, but when I go to the site, I feel less...I don't know. It isn't less pain. But there is an odd comforting feeling. For one, I think I like to see his name in print, like to see him recognized. But I also think it is because I can look and see that no more harm has come his way. A deep sleep has befallen him. He's waiting for Jesus to return. His soul has left his body. He hangs out with Jesus all day. Any of those, or combination thereof, or perhaps even alternate interpretations, means that he is at peace. That's what he wanted. How can I want less than that for him?

I'm reminded that people used to lay their kin to rest in their backyards, and I guess some folks still do, though it is illegal around here. I can see the value in that. I used to think that it was a bit morbid to think about kin buried in the backyard, or even like in those cemeteries beside churches. But I get it now. I like to be able to go and see that he is no longer in pain. I'm considering moving closer to Sekai's resting place. I know. I'm surprised, too.