"You hurt my feelings"

Earlier today, I spoke with a friend who is raising up incredibly strong, emotionally secure children. Her 3-year-old boy can label his emotions and self-advocate. Recently, after his baby sister took his toy away, he told her, "You are not being nice, and I feel angry about that." On one occasion when he demonstrated inappropriate behavior at a particularly challenging time, my friend responded in a way that she would not have normally. He respectfully told her that she had hurt his feelings. She thought about it, and apologized to him, even explained why she had reacted that way, but all the while taking responsibility for her behavior and agreeing that it was not the most appropriate response.

As I listened to her, I started to cry a little bit. Wow! How valuable and loved this child must feel that he can take a risk and share his inner thoughts without fear of repercussion. He knows his mother loves him and takes good care of him, and that this is unconditional, not at all contingent on his behavior. In fact, even though her reaction was in response to his inappropriate behavior, and he knew he was wrong, he did not speak back to her about her words to him, or indicate that he was not to blame. Rather, he just wanted, needed her to know that he did not feel good about the way that it was said, and he was secure enough in her love for him that he knew he could say so. And he was secure enough in his love for himself to be able to say, in effect, please do not hurt me. And he knew he would be heard! Imagine. Imagine the love. The security. The feeling of being valued and valuable. Needless to say, I effervesced about how she was building such an incredible foundation for his emotional health, self-esteem, self-advocacy. And I could not help but muse that if only Sekai had had this foundation...

We have to help ALL children to be this strong. We have to shed traditions that tell us that raising children (especially boys) who can talk about their feelings is wrong. We have to quiet our egos and be willing to listen to what children tell us about how they feel, even when they are talking to us about us.